Why Do I Miss Someone Who Hurt Me? Grief, Attachment, and Healing After Abuse
You know they hurt you. You know leaving was necessary. You know going back would cost you your peace.
And still, you miss them.
This contradiction can feel confusing, embarrassing, or even terrifying. Many survivors ask themselves, What does it say about me if I miss someone who caused me so much pain?
The answer is not what you fear.
Missing someone who hurt you does not mean you are weak, broken, or romanticizing abuse. It means you formed an attachment under conditions of emotional survival. This blog will help you understand why longing persists after abuse, how trauma bonds form, and how to grieve what you lost without returning to what harmed you.
Missing someone does not mean the abuse wasn’t real
One of the most damaging myths in trauma recovery is that clarity should erase longing. In reality, clarity and grief often coexist.
You can fully understand that someone was unsafe and still miss:
Their presence
The version of yourself you were with them
The hope you carried
The moments when things felt good
Abusive relationships are rarely abusive all the time. Intermittent care, affection, and connection strengthen emotional attachment, even as harm occurs.
Your nervous system does not attach to logic. It attaches to patterns of closeness and relief.
Understanding trauma bonding
Trauma bonding occurs when periods of fear, emotional pain, or instability are paired with moments of relief, affection, or validation. This creates a powerful attachment loop.
Your brain learns:
Pain is followed by connection
Relief feels intense because it follows distress
Separation feels like withdrawal
This is not a moral failure. It is neurobiology.
Loss of routine and familiarity
Trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement
Loneliness and nervous system withdrawal
Grief for who you were before the relationship
Why trauma bonds feel addictive
During cycles of harm and repair, the brain releases stress hormones followed by dopamine and oxytocin. This biochemical contrast deepens emotional dependence.
When the relationship ends, the body doesn’t just grieve a person. It grieves a familiar chemical rhythm.
5 Steps to Reclaim Your Life
A practical guide to reclaiming your confidence, setting boundaries, and moving forward—without second-guessing yourself.
Grieving what never fully existed
Many survivors are not grieving the person as they truly were. They are grieving:
Who they hoped that person would become
The relationship they worked to create
The future they imagined
This kind of grief is complex because it lacks clear closure. There was no single moment where hope officially ended.
You are allowed to grieve dreams that were never realized.
Why loneliness intensifies longing
After leaving abuse, the nervous system often enters a period of recalibration. Without the intensity of the relationship, life may feel quiet, flat, or empty.
This does not mean the relationship was healthy. It means your system is adjusting to safety.
Stillness can feel unfamiliar after chaos. The brain may misinterpret calm as loss.
Why self-blame often follows longing
Many survivors turn longing inward and conclude:
“I must still love them”
“Maybe it wasn’t that bad”
“Maybe I overreacted”
These thoughts are attempts to reduce emotional pain, not reflections of truth.
Missing someone does not invalidate your reasons for leaving.
How to grieve without returning
Healing does not require suppressing longing. It requires containment.
1) Name the grief accurately
Instead of “I miss them,” try:
“I miss feeling wanted”
“I miss having someone to talk to”
“I miss the hope I had”
Specific grief is easier to process than global longing.
2) Create separation between memory and meaning
Memories will surface. Let them pass without assigning meaning or instruction.
A memory is not a mandate.
3) Rebuild connection slowly
Trauma bonds loosen as safe connection increases. This includes friends, community, therapy, and gentle self-connection.
When longing begins to fade
As your nervous system stabilizes, longing changes. It becomes quieter, less urgent, less convincing.
Eventually, you may realize you no longer miss them, only the version of yourself who was trying to survive.
That realization is a milestone, not a failure.
Gentle grief checklist
Name what you miss
Name what harmed you
Regulate your body
Choose connection that is safe
Final Thoughts
Missing someone who hurt you does not mean you should return. It means your attachment system is healing. With time, support, and compassion, longing transforms into clarity.
You did not imagine the harm. And you do not need to erase your grief to move forward.
👉 Diane’s upcoming course A Girlfriends' Guide to the Other Side dives deeper into practical boundary-setting strategies and offers exercises to help you strengthen this vital skill.
No. Missing reflects attachment and loss, not the health of the relationship.
It varies. Many notice significant relief within months when no-contact and support are in place.
Yes, as long as you do not erase the harm that coexisted with them.
Hi, I’m Diane – and I’m so glad you’re here
Diane is the author of A Girlfriend’s Guide to the Other Side: Reclaim Your Mind, Body, and Soul After Narcissistic Abuse, Divorce, or Relational Trauma.
After surviving the wreckage of a controlling relationship that stripped her identity, she turned her pain into purpose. Through her book, course, and community, Diane now guides women on the journey of rebuilding self-worth, setting healthy boundaries, and reclaiming their lives.
Her mission is simple: to remind every woman that healing is possible, and that your future can be brighter than your past.
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